Just One Breath

An American girl in Scotland, figuring things out one step at a time

When I write…


When I sit down to write the posts on my relationship with Jamie it always hits me… the pain. The pain of the why’s, the what if’s, the hurt, the longing, the loss. I sit and sob… I truly lose myself in the times. I can still feel the regret or the anger and yes, the  joy. I love him so much and always have and I sometimes fear he will never know how much. We have truly been through a lifetime of experience that has come with many disappointments and hurts that just won’t let me go.

As I sit crying, always asking Jamie for forgiveness, I wonder why? As he kisses away my tears and soothes my broken spirit I ask out loud, “Why do I write this blog? Why do I put myself through this?”  Why do I continually tear open the wounds of  the past when there is so much good to remember and to look forward to? Why can’t I focus on that? I sometimes do not know. I think that we have a true fairytale love story as corny as that sounds it is true. But in order to be honest with myself and my readers I need to admit that it was not all sweetness and love and moonlight it was dirty and painful and real. The information you get here is as honest and forthcoming as I can make it  while still respecting my husband’s wishes. There are some things that Jamie and I want to just remain between us so… who is this for?

I sometimes think I write it because it is real. It is a real love story in a world that needs them so badly. This world where no one waits for 15 minutes let alone 15 years. I write it because I want people to know the gift that I have been given and I want to shout how lucky I am it at the top of my lungs. I write it for the children we will have. I write it for my husband. I write it for you. Most importantly I think that I write it for me. Even though I feel the pain of these years so profoundly I think that maybe writing this blog will help heal me. Maybe it will help me let go of the regrets and things that I can not change. My Love always tells me and I agree, we would not be who we are without the things that we have gone through. The good and the bad have made us the strong, honest, fearless and loving partners that we are. I write this for me… I want to see past the pain. I want to let go of the regrets and grab ahold of my husband.  x heather


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