Just One Breath

An American girl in Scotland, figuring things out one step at a time

Away we go


As soon as Jamie and I decided that Boston was the location of our first visit in over 2 years I was using all of my travel agent skills to get a great hotel at a great rate. The Boston Park Plaza was offering me the best travel agent rate, it was a historic building and it was centrally located. It was a winner. Jamie and I set the dates for the trip and it was just after my birthday in October of 2010, the 18th- the 23rd. I had 4 months to wait. 4 months to look at this man everyday and wonder what it would be like to spend time with him. Would we be awkward or would this new found ability to talk to each other’s faces on Skype make a difference?

Over the next few months my head was spinning. My friends were telling me to relax and just enjoy the trip. Jamie and I had not built up any expectations for our visit verbally but I felt that every day closer to the Boston trip was a day that was closer to finally sorting out my feelings. My relationship of the past year and a half was over over and I was free to do what ever came my way. I didn’t have to question how I felt about Jamie with a boyfriend back home, this trip was the first trip in years that my head wasn’t wrapped up in a relationship that was going nowhere. I was really free to be myself with Jamie and I was really looking forward to that and at the same time I was nervous as hell? We had gotten used to the trips that were full of longing and memorable moments, both good and bad. How will this trip be different? I still had my Jimmy Eat World song playing 100 times a day… is there hope for something different? Is there hope for us?

The trip was rapidly approaching and I was starting to freak out with anticipation. I had made up my mind that I was going to do everything in my power to make this a great trip. I had booked a Boston Trolley Tour and had learned as much as I could about the city and things that we might want to do. This was definitely not New York. I was wondering if we would be ok without our familiar haunts in NYC. Somehow they were comfortable even in the times when we were personally struggling.

The day came and it was time for me to head out on my 2 day drive up north from Wilkes-Barre, PA to Pleasant Valley, NY to stop for the night with my mother and then onto Boston.  I thought the stop at my Mom’s place would be good to help calm me. I would be able to talk to her and hopefully have a nice relaxing evening. It had gotten harder to share things with my Mom since she lives away from home for most of the week and I wanted this time to focus and just be with her. We watched TV, got Starbucks, did a little shopping and talked into the wee hours of the morning. I could not sleep much at all. Then the next day it was time to go. I was now totally calm strangely. I knew I was going to where I wanted to be and with the man I wanted to spend this time with. This new adventure in Boston, a new place to make new and happy memories… I hoped.

The drive was really easy. Driving up north is always so beautiful and we were heading into the most beautiful time of year, the Fall. The leaves were starting to turn and the mountains looked like they were on fire with reds, oranges and yellows. It was beautiful and so peaceful. I was making great time and I was sure to be there before Jamie so that I could calm down and check out our room. Well that all changed when I got a text that Jamie’s flight was arriving early. Crap! I had to floor it so that I could get there on time. I didn’t know how long it would take for the shuttle to get from the airport to the hotel. I found myself driving around unfamiliar Boston streets and I was starting to get anxious then there it was, the Boston Park Plaza. I was here, I was calm.

I went to check in and they were going to charge the full amount of the stay onto a credit card as a hold. Jamie was taking care of the hotel cost and he wasn’t here yet. My father had given me permission to use an emergency credit card that I had used to hold the room with but they would not accept it, even though I booked it with that card. I had drastically cut my available credit so that I could not get myself into credit card debt so my emergency card was all that was available to use. I called my Dad so that he could get information to send a fax to the hotel confirming my ability to use the card. I sat in the hotel lobby again waiting for Jamie to get here to fix this mess. The fax finally came through after what felt like an eternity and I was so upset because things were not going to plan and then he was there. With a touch on my shoulder I knew he was there. I turned and hugged him and cried. My nerves had definitely seen better days.

After all of that mess and Jamie getting me calm we went to our room. I was actually disappointed. It was nice but smelled like mildew. Anyone who knows me knows I have a freakish sense of smell and I could not stand it. Despite that we tried to settle in. We picked beds and started to talk. It was definitely easier this time. He had an iPad and I had never used one before so he started to show me how to work it. I crashed out on my bed and he sat on the floor next to me and I started drawing and flicking through books and he was just staring at me, he really looked amazing! So different, so mature. This Jamie seemed more comfortable and confident. I couldn’t take it, I wasn’t going to deal with a week of missed opportunities and more regrets so… I kissed him. Our first kiss in years. We didn’t linger, it was just a nice few kisses and then back to the iPad. It was a start and with it came the butterflies.

We sat in the room for a while talking and relaxing after a long day of traveling and what do you know, we kissed again. Why had there been so many times that we had wasted these quiet moments to be close? I wanted to hold on and not let go but I felt like Jamie was uncomfortable. I was afraid he didn’t want to be with me, what if he was regretting his decision to come to Boston, what if I was still too chubby? There were so many questions running through my head. The kiss ended and the anxiety in my started to rise.

That evening we went out for a walk to check out our neighborhood. It  was a really beautiful place. Boston was so different to NYC and we both noticed it. Boston was so walkable and beautifully lit. It really felt old and not as crowded and dirty, even though I absolutely love everything about NYC it was just nice to not be there. We went to a nearby pub to have a couple of burgers for dinner. It was so good to be sitting across the table talking and laughing with Jamie. This trip did seem different but I could feel the little knot in my stomach when I thought about his kisses. They were nice but I wondered if I was reading too much into his body language. It made me so uncomfortable and sad. I started to dwell on things that I was creating in my own mind, I wasn’t asking Jamie anything. Why didn’t I ask him what he was thinking or how he was feeling? I don’t know.

We were sitting watching TV when we got back from the pub and I decided to go down to the hotel gym to try to de-stress. I told J not to wait up for me because I didn’t know how long I would be down there. He agreed because he was tired from his day of traveling and off I went. When I was in the gym I kept thinking that I was stupid to have kissed him but I needed to change the way things went for us. I didn’t want regrets so I ultimately was happy that I finally got the guts to do it no matter what the outcome. When I got back up to the room Jamie was sleeping. I took a shower and continued to think, how could I make the start of this trip better? As I lay in bed angry with the heat in the room I made up my mind that I would ask for a new room in the morning. I was determined to change the course of our trip. I wanted to have fun with Jamie and I didn’t want my insecurities to take over. A fresh room for a fresh start… in the morning.   x heather



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